11:56 AM & Still Pajama Clad

I think I am enjoying my son being home sick a little too much.  He had a very mild fever so we let him sleep.  That, in itself, is a sign that something was amiss.  Sleeping past 7:30 means James is either sick or in avoidance. Today was the former.  Luckily, any crisis has passed since James' hotness has abated with a little Tylenol and  a lot of liquids. And after downing a few glasses of this cocktail (hidden in his special mix of seltzer and orange/strawberry/banana juice), James is even munching on some pretzels.  Therefore, I am more relaxed and beginning to enjoy where I find myself at noon: on the couch watching "George of the Jungle." Friday has unexpectedly become a lazy day full of movies and puzzles and catch and whatever else I can invent that can capture his interest and keep his attention.  This new agenda for the day has derailed all my other, more practical plans, and rather than being anxious about what I cannot do, I am actually enjoying  the unexpected break. Although I often talk of the progress my son has made, I do realize that his mother, a recovering control freak, has come a long way too!  

A Day Off

So a picture is worth a thousand words? I so hate when cliches are proven true!  Dad asked "What do you have there? Show me what's in your hand!" And what did James do?  HE SHOWED HIM!! I can't express the power of this image. The very ordinariness is what is so shocking. James' reaction to his father's request was NORMAL and immediate.  God bless David for having the camera ready!

Despite my previous trepidation, we had a lovely, relaxing three day weekend.  We spent Saturday running around on the beach.  Finally it wasn't freezing and we were so glad to get OUT!  James completely loved the open air and the crashing waves.  He even stuck his feet in the water despite our admonishments when he was getting close - and he knew he wasn't supposed to!  My kid was being bad!

I also snuck in a leisurely and decadent lunch with my best friend from high school.  Don't get ideas, it was only decadent because it was just the two of us without families, out to lunch without a care!  Then later, while New Jersey watched the play-off game, the three of us took advantage of a vacant Home Depot!  James was even patient while his parents searched for just the right color green for yet another painting project.  On Monday, it was a family lunch in a child-friendly restaurant with trains and an arcade. While I think we adults liked the trains better than James, he was well-behaved and ate his chicken tenders and fries.  The only "blemish" being that he wanted to watch his DVD most of the time.  Although once acclimated, we did catch him watching when the trains went by and checking out the other kids.  Later, I stayed home and finished the painting project while James and his father went to the beach again.   That's where the killer photo session occurred.  James not only enjoyed watching the water, he really loved playing in the mountains of winter-storm strewn sand.  He even laid down and made "sand angels."  It is wild to have sand in your car and all over your house in January!  The day got even better when David took James to the boardwalk for pizza (especially considering this invovled a brief car trip).

It is a wonderful, liberating feeling, knowing James could have fun and be a good boy, with and - gulp - without me.  But it's a bigger, deeper feeling, a realization, that I am trying to convey. I take care of him and his world first and foremost, and then that of my husband, a poor neglected second.  I really and truly do not even consider myself.  I am getting better.  I used to have to remind myself to have a drink, or to eat.  I also regularly brush my teeth now.  Sound  ridiculous?  There was a time, not to long ago, when James could not be left alone for a second.  A moment alone let him retreat into another world where it was hard to pull him out.  He need 24-hour care, especially as he did not sleep more than four to six hours a day. And now?  Of course James needs me BUT it is no longer dire. To have James here, at this juncture, one I did not know for sure he would ever achieve, makes tears stream down my face. And because if it, I am slowly emerging, to have lunch out, to remember to brush my teeth regularly, to act on an inspiration to transform my kitchen.  That last item is a big one and really proves to me how far we have come.  I had a somewhat creative idea, a whim, and with an encouraging, helpful, flexible husband, fulfilled it.  This art major's creativity usually only emerged wrapping christmas presents!  Perhaps now I will allow myself to dream, not just for silly home decorating, but for James' future.  A terrifying subject I have been carefully whisking from my mind.

No Front Teeth

Resistance.  No not from James, from me. STILL.   We are almost into the third week of January and things are just not flowing smoothly.  I know life is not perfect and there are troubles and traumas and bumps along the way.  But right now, James-wise, we are in a luxuriant lull.  He is working, trying hard and slowly plodding along.  Unfortunately, the downward spiral I am flailing against is world-wide, from Haiti's hell-on-earth to hideous, avoidable, man-made crap.  I feel like I have become the old, ignored coot standing on a soap box.  People are behaving deplorably to each other. Getting ahead - wether it is in business or on the roadway - means treating others with no respect, no common dignity, no honor. From big business to government, from Democrat-Republican squabbles to shady unethical dealings, from health care reform and the dire crisis in the Middle East.
And my reality?  I saw a Grandma get thrown at a intersection by a car coming around the corner.  He had a green light - and so did she - and he kept going.  Two gals got his plates, car make and model.  But what the hell?  I so wish I could tell you that this was the first time i saw this THIS YEAR.  I feel that I take my and my son's life in my hands as I drive around.  Pedestrians that feel they can step off the curb at any time.  Cars that are double and triple parked.  Drivers blowing through red lights and stop signs, disregarding sirens and school buses, driving the wrong way down the street and on the sidewalk, three-abreast on a single-lane street.  Forget about using signals, as a problem, that is small change.
After all this can you imagine what I said when asked if I considered it a blessing that my child was autistic?  YES! And I replied without hesitation.  James didn't understand when I was sick, helping me to get up and going when I thought I couldn't.  He acknowledged and waved at the driver who wanted us to get out of his way, humbling the idiot.  He does not know racism, and was oblivious to the stares, as I read "Black Like Me" in the library over and over again because so many of those he loves are black.  He makes me remember to greet everyone, as it does not come naturally to him and I must provide good example.  He makes me aware of the daily good in the world: the sudden ray of sunshine pouring through the window and its ability to warm your face, the wind blowing the leaves by and pushing at your body, the joy of speed as you suddenly experience a spurt of light-less highway, and the coolness of a glass on a warm day.  And, most of all, he makes me keep going when I want to hide under the covers.  I do not fail to respond to the request of "Up-a" from a little boy who doesn't have many words.

Blue Raspberry

After a two week holiday (and not all fun and games, we passed a nasty stomach virus around the house), I have no desire to return to real life.  Obviously there is no other option, so here we are!  James, of course, needs structure and benefits from it.  So what is my problem??  For some reason, I just can't face the driving, the searching for parking, the waiting, and then fitting my lengthy to-do list in between.  How can I be so completely overwhelmed when it is only Wednesday?  Vacation was as little as THREE days ago!  Why can't I shake this gloom?  I just want to go hide under the covers.  And that is not going to happen as it is James' favorite activity to put the covers over our heads and "stim." Okay, play with balls or count fingers and toes, regardless it's all self-stimulation for him.  It happens with all the activities I dream up.  I try to incorporate some stimming aspect to the game to entice him and eventually that is all he wants to do.  For instance, when completing puzzles, we start by dumping the puzzles from a height so they crash loudly.  He loves it but would rather flip the pieces around then finish the puzzle.  Bowling is all about the crashing.  I started jumping with him in the trampoline because he was stimming too much.  At first it worked great and I had his attention.  In a few weeks, he developed some new way to stim visually, involving me!  It's the same with putting the blanket over our heads.  At first, he was incredibly focused and alert.  When I thought I was loosing him, I added the counting or playing catch with soft balls.  Now he wants to flip the balls around or have me count his digits.  When I do, he gets this look of ecstasy on his face.  Uh, not good.  So, I don't go in the trampoline and won't go under the covers.  And that's just the problems with the fun stuff!  Forget school this week, each day was worse than the last.  Although today at least he completed his trials and school work with great interest and attention.  My only hope is that his outside therapy has been going swimmingly (seriously).   James is loving being back at his sensory gym and he's working well.  Hopefully, the rest will fall in place as the week goes on.  And, hopefully, his mom will get with the program as well.  As we were leaving the gym tonight, bemoaning the early darkness, I ran into my girlfriend who is raising her gorgeous triplets - all on the spectrum - on her own.  So what was my problem again?